Today will be the first day in months both my teens will be gone. On a practical level today will be “back to normal,” for those of us at home at least. However, for the boys, they are so used to having Dad and older siblings around, it won’t feel normal. Life is so upside down normal feels weird.
“May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.” Romans 15:5–6
I’m late posting today because I don’t feel so great. I don’t really want to go outside, which is really not normal for me.
So my picture today is of a tree in my yard that I took last week and painted for as a challenge for a watercolor group. The name of the challenge was Tree with a Twist.
I’m praying for my country lately, and I think to myself, “Why haven’t I done been diligently praying for it before– I keep up with politics plenty?” Yet I some how think these problems are ones I have some important contribute to by doing my part to stay informed and be a voice and share my thoughts, and…. But I really just use all of it as a distraction from the things right in front of me, the people right in front of me, needing me, needing my attention.
There are a lot of problems in the world and I want to react when those problems are in front of me like the Good Samaritan. I imagine if the Good Samaritan story was produced as a short film today and it was modernize; the story might be very similar but the whole thing would end up on Social Media. And there would be this huge viral outrage at the hypocritical self righteous leaders. The entire film would be people typing into there computers, tablets, and phones. The leads in the film would be the common people sharing the story, the video, and calling for action against these horrible religious leaders. The Good Samaritan wouldn’t even have a name. Eventually the leaders loose there positions and the glorious triumphal music plays only to pan out from the close up view of all the people showing how they were completely missing the physical needs of the people around them that they were capable of helping.
Its a rainy cloudy morning but the birds do not seem to care and are louder than ever! There is something less deary about a warm spring rainy morning than a cold wet winter day.
I have only a few minutes for thoughts. The day has its many plans scheduled and tasks slated. Its busier than a non-pandemic-day, though people seem to be forgetting about a deadly disease. Deadly or not no virus cares about your feelings. Yet, summer activities are canceled and quelled, schools aren’t committed to a course of action, and church services are mostly remote.
Yesterday I spent an exhausting morning and afternoon trying to figure out duel enrollment steps for my rising 11th grader. Then filled out a survey for our county schools regarding my feelings about opening schools next fall. Then I made BBQ chicken nachos for dinner and we watched Meet the Robinsons. Me and the teens finished LOST season 2. So far, the show is way better the 2nd time through now that I understand the purpose of the show.
The rain falls again. The clouds darken. The air stills and becomes heavey.
The air is almost sticky, though not hot…yet. I hear the mower running and the ever present birds.
Everyday my younger boys fight–Two in particular. The younger one irritates the older….on purpose? And the older issues commands like a general…which are not just ignored but ideas for how to be more irritating. In every altercation one or both of them fibs the facts to either get out of trouble or get the younger into trouble. Which means no real correction or lessons can occur. I can put them in time out or separate them to keep them from fighting more but that’s it. Like a doctor treating symptoms but not the cause.
Until yesterday. All the kids were supposed to be doing chores, but the 3 younger ones congregated in their room and started playing with hot wheels cars. I can’t remember the last time they actually played together. Usually if they are together with out someone right there watching, screaming and crying is inevitable in short order. Seriously, its exhausting, its been like that for weeks and weeks. And since they lie, I can’t talk them through it.
So yesterday, I’m in my room taking a break from the constant fussing about chores and complaining about chores and about siblings and about who knows what. I realize I can hear them through the wall playing and I think in my mind I need to get it together and go get them back on task but I don’t have it in me. A little time goes by and they are still playing–together, no bossing or viying for control.
“Playing together like this is more important right now.” I think to myself, so I just let them play. Honestly, I give them chores just to keep them busy not fighting or causeing trouble.
After a long time, I finally do I hear a fight and screaming. I head out to the hallway and catch the younger one. I watch him in real time make up his story, that I knew wasn’t true because I heard them through the wall. I look at the older child who now had the benefit of knowing I knew and he couldn’t make up a story. He made a full confession–for the first time in weeks if not longer.
It was literally the first time I was able to walk them through their conflict and help them see what they could do differently. Seriously, it was the first glimmer of hope I’ve had about this in memory. If I had stuck to my to do list, it wouldn’t have happened. If I hadn’t been present in the moment I wouldn’t have been able to diagnose only treat the pain.
I’m praying I stay aware and present enough again today. Pray for my boys to learn to be brothers and not enemies.
The sky is cloudy. The windchime rings in the breeze. A child is loudly trying to sing bird calls and to get a response from them.
This morning I did ~5 mins of exercises, switched the laundry and unloaded the dishwasher. I’m now writing, which checks off another box.
I’ve been playing around trying to paint a twisted tree for the weekly watercolor challenge. I filled my large planters with dirt and transplanted a few plants from the yard into them since my flowers in the flower bed didn’t grow. Maybe these will grow. I gave a list of chores to the kids to get done before screens. I requested to join a flash fiction fb group.
I’v not listened to my podcasts, I’m not reading news, I’m trying to avoid fb discussions and conflict. And I’m trying to post edifying things–things that build up rather than divide or tear down. (Trying is the key word, I’m not always successful)
One of the things I’ve circled around learning during the time of true covid-shut-downs was the external problems of my daily life (all the mom stuff of going this way and that…) were stripped away and the only things left were the actual emotional relational struggles of myself and my family. There weren’t any distraction or excuses. And I have become acutely aware of those needs and realize they are the more important ones.
The only humans I see everyday are them. I see very few other people in real life. Even before the pandemic there were few other people I had the opportunity to have in person meaningful conversations with. It was often a quick greeting here and small chat there once or twice a week and a lot of taxi driving.
Am I so caught up in my own little world of fb and news and ideas that I might actually miss my Samaritan/Man On The Side Of The Road Moment? Is that moment when I’m running errands but thinking about something eles? Is that moment inside my own house but I’m checking Facebook?
A little over a year ago my Dad had a stroke. He had to go live at a rehabilitation place for a few months. It was hard on us. The first Sunday after he had the stroke, a lot of people asked about my dad, a lot of people told me they were praying. I believe them too. But one lady that was fairly new to our church and a more recent friend found me (not casually waited till we bumped into each other), hugged me, and prayed for me right there on the spot. What do you think mattered more to me? Its obvious, of course, she’s the only person I remember talking with that day.
Do I have that awareness of other people in my face to face life? Do I have that boldness?
BTW my friend, made a conscious choice not to be to have Facebook.
I see birds playing tag and hear them singing calls. Through pollen sneezes I smell a sweetness of earlier summer. The temperature feels perfect.
The summer schedule is…. schedule is the wrong word….its a bit like moral relativism what ever feels good to you personally right now is right. These kids are wandering around aimlessly even when they have been aimed. This is what summer camps and summer jobs are for! I’m gonna loose my mind or there gonna loose screens, or something.
I planted flower seeds a few weeks ago, in our front beds and nothing came up. I’m disappointed. A few did sprout in seed trays, but not all. I still have some shelves i need to put up in the boys’ room. I’m trying to accept that me and the boys need to do school all summer in part because we started so late last fall.
Its not so much I feel bad that things aren’t panning out how I would like, but I feel about as aimless as the kids. Not because I have no aims but because I have all the aims. You can’t aim at everything. That probably part of my personality, I try to do a little of everything and never hone in on one thing.
Probably should just make a list of important things and break things in to smaller chunks so it doesn’t feel like I need to do all the all at once. But right now I’d rather sit on my swing and read a book… Or paint a picture in my dinning room… Or organize the chaos school room… Or learn make sour kraut in the kitchen… Or put away close my bedroom… Or make a no-pin bulletin boards for each of the boys in their room… Or…
Eighty days. Jules Verne could have traveled around the world by now. (Assuming he wasn’t prevented from traveling.)
This morning’s weather is perfect–the temperature, the sun, the breeze. Its perfect for reading in the sun, perfect for working in the yard, perfect for playing, but me? I’m just thinking. Too much thinking but never enough before I speak. Its a new day but I don’t need evening to look back at my foolishness. I see it now and I see it to come like a freight train that can’t be stopped.
Carpe diem? Or work for tomorrow? Don’t waste a perfect day, don’t forget about the future. Either way….niether way does it involve me trying to solve problems I can’t control. Yet why do I let those things distract me from the needs directly in front of me, looking at me, begging for my attention, love, support, and acceptance?
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord , my rock and my Redeemer. Psalms 19:14 NASB
My coffee is cold, the perfect morning ages gracefully, His mercy endures forever.
The morning is cool but soft. Whispy steam rises from my coffee mug, but refuses to show up on camera.
This morning is the third Sunday of social distance church service. I am only giving my 5 minutes of thinking time before I make sure we are dressed, fed, and out the door. I’m cutting it close for sure.
The windchime barely dances but never rings. The bird’s songs fill the air. The sunbeams are filtered through brranches and leaves, and softly scatters around me like holographic confetti. What is the sun celebrating?
The morning is over and the afternoon has settled over the trees and porch with high blue sky and bright over head sun.
The morning thoughts will have to wait till another day, as there is projects that need attention.
May the Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.”
The birds sing, horses whinny, and the measuring tape snaps.
Rough Draft ¶aragraphs 