Thursday, June 18, 2020

Day 97

And so I park the taxi.

I feel like I the need to physically do something, anything, all the things. But at the same time I want to crawl into a ball and do nothing. I want to write something but I can only thing of all things at once. I want to think but I’m so tired of thinking, my brain is on the treadmill and I can’t turn the treadmill off or even slow it down. I need to finish school with my boys but I am distracted with what they need next school year. Maybe we should go to the park to do school to but the park is closed. Maybe I should eat breakfast but its almost lunch time. Maybe I should get a job but maybe I should save money by efficiently running an organized home. But even my own thoughts a mess. I should do paperwork but sitting still makes me feel like I might explode. Makeing a decision of what to do makes me feel like I’m imploding. I’m yanked and pulled in every direction but its all coming from inside wich should feel like being pushed and shoved but it doesn’t. Instead I feel like pulled and stretched and yanked. I’m up and down and back and forth. Its too much.

I look outside my van window. Stop. What do you see.

The pond glistening, reflecting and shimmering. Its dark and stagnant. Leaf, needle and pollen debris float unmovingly on the surface. The reflective surface hides its depths. The sunlight twinkles off of it as a breeze kisses the top of the water making it feel more friendly. The branches and leaves outside my window flutter in the same breeze.

The inner turmoil slackens.

Listen to the birds and smell the air. Breath deeply.

God is infinite and therefore complete and I can rest in him.

Step out of the taxi, meet the day as it comes to you, put one foot in front of the other.

Wednesday, June 17 2020

Day 96

This overstuffed bag and clothing sitting in the a pool of morning sunshine is the evidence of something not seen.

Faith.

Faith in Grandma. Grandma said Saturday that “next week” he could have his turn to stay with her. And that since he was done with school he didn’t have to wait till the weekend.

This bag was packed this morning before 8:30am, before Grandma was even called. “I don’t know if you can go today,” I said. “I have to to call Grandma but I won’t call her till after 8:30.”

But….
grandma didn’t feel well and didn’t think she could have him come. And his 6 year old heart was broken. He cuddled his bunny on next to me on my bed. “I just want to be with Grandma,” he said through tears and short breaths.

But….
Grandma called around 10am. She had gotten up and eaten and she felt much better. She was on her way, where could she meet us? On the way back to our house to pick up this bag, he said, “Mom, when I was in your room, I prayed for Grandma and I’m going to do it again right now.”

I don’t know what the Creator of the universe does or doesn’t do for six year old little boys or their Grandmas, but I do know a Grandma who had red, wet eyes when I told her about it.

At Grandma’s house he found a large heart shaped leaf growing on a vine by the front door. He picked it and gave it to Grandma, “This will make you feel better, if you don’t feel good because it says, ‘I love you.’

Tuesday, June 15, 2020

Day 95

Shelter at home life is no more, but so is summer life. Husband is not working remotely, summer activities don’t exist or are changed dramatically. Church is barely meeting in person. Basically the days are all the yuck of errands of ordinary life and busyness plus all the yuck of social distancing. So, here I am in the evening doing my morning thoughts because in the morning I had to run errands. Then I had a bunch of tasks best suited for doing on my computer that refuses to log on to the internet, so I did them on my phone.

I felt that my day has slipped away. Messing with this little detail and that and making little headway on any real to do list. That’s what errands and digital tasks do, suck the life out of your day and soul.

Whatever woman in the 50’s thought she was put upon to stay home all day is nuts. Women’s lib and my friends may hate me for this but I’m taking a stand– laundry is better than being a taxi for the kids and the groceries. The whims of which never get scheduled and properly organized. Ok that’s not really what women’s lib was about, but I have a headache from messing with logins and passwords on my phone so I’m less optimistic at 7pm than I am at 7am.

By 7pm I’ve dealt with tantrums, every kid thinking the chore they were given was unfair, one thousand requests to play or do some kind of digital activity on a computer or my phone. And I’ve been asked several times, “Whats that awful smell?” To which I’ve explained is dinner.

Nothing is really all that bad, but its not really good either. Its a luke warm day and the luke warm days stretch out the whole summer.

I probably shouldn’t write these things when I’m hungry either.

Grubby little faces are worth it…

Monday, June 15, 2020

Day 94

Day nighty-four, can you believe it? This morning I’m on my front step. I’ve been watching bird playing just beyond the trees on and around the fence that boarders the neighbors horse pasture. The air is cool and sweet.

A new day has begun with no mistakes in it (yet), his mercy is new every morning. “Did we in our own strength confide,
our striving would be losing.” But He is infinite and therfore complete, so I can rest in Him.

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Sunday, June 14, 2020

Day 93

The sun is hot this morning, my head hurts and the day seems long but empty. It isn’t empty. Its never empty. But emptiness somehow threatens because…

“Did we in our own strength confide,
our striving would be losing.” (All Mighty Fortress is Our God)

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Saturday, June 13, 2020

Day 92

Last night I had a dream. Its difficult to describe the dream. I remember having a sense that there was something growing or needing to be added to like a branch or stem except the branch or the stem wasn’t a real branch or real stem it was more like smoke or vapor. It did not grow from the base but was added to from the end and the end always needed more. But it wasn’t as physical thing it was something that was inside a person. It was something real, not tangible like knowledge or character.

I don’t remember the people in the dream but I know that every time I thought of a person, or maybe it was myself, this sense of needing to add and add and add to whatever was already there continued and didn’t stop. It quickly turned into a stress dream where every few minutes I would have this sense of trying to add and add and add but never reaching a fulfillment.

Then at some point I thought of God. And I understood that God was infinite and then I understood that he was therefore complete. I was able to rest. From then on whenever I would have this sense of needing to add and grow and add and add or grow and grow, I would just think but, “God is infinite and therefore complete,” and I was able to rest and not stress in my sleep.

When I think of infinity, I usually think of traveling through the infinity of Outer Space and never reaching the end because it’s infinite. Our journey is never complete so I thought of infinity as incomplete. But really its us finite people who are incomplete. God is complete in all ways. He is complete and infinite perfection and holiness and goodness and righteousness. We can never reach the end of perfection and we are always striving and striving and striving, but in Him, He is infinite and therefore complete, so we can rest.

He is infinite therefore complete.

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Friday, June 12, 2020

Day 91

No time to think or type but don’t want to miss my count.

Have a lovely day.

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Thursday, June 9, 2020

Day 90

A deer was outside in my yard but before I could get a picture she had gone into the empty horse pasture. I got a few shots of her but I had to use the zoom lense.

Its sunny and breezey and kinda perfect and unfortunately its time for me to go inside already.

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Wednesday, June 10, 2020

Day 89

The humidity inside and out is like a sticky hot blanket. Its not even that hot out….yet.

I’m back to being a taxi–taking teens to summer jobs. This is definitely not something I missed the last 3 months.

The sky darkens on the morning as the wind picks up.

Today I’ll drop off my teens and then come back and do school with kids. One is working his way through 4th grade Khan Academy because I really don’t like the way his math book teaches division and fractions. He’s making headway. And turns out his big brother does a great job tutoring him when is struggling.

A bird lands on my dead Rosemary plant and flutters away.

My other son is finishing his Reading book. He’s 9 and I really need him to learn to read this Summer y’all. He is learning, he’s progressing but he’s still struggling to put it all together and read independently. Pray for him to not be discouraged and be motivated to learn it. I honestly think he doesn’t see that he can do it so he just does the lessons without trying to read on his own. But he really CAN do more than he realizes.

The sky brightenes and makes the yellow green grass and leaves nearly glow under the pale clouded sky.

I also need to help my teens get checking accounts and Driver’s Permits….which means they will need driving lessons. 😳

The younger boys make there way to the porch and its time for action.

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Tuesday, June 9, 2020

Day 88

Its a humid overcast morning– a warm hybrid of late Spring and not quite Summer.

Though any year before this, we would call this Summer because Summer activities would have started. Community pools would have opened, vacations would be taken, camps enjoyed. But this maybe the Summer that never started but only ended.

There is some evidence of Summer. My own Phineas and Ferb built with duct tape and bamboo recently and the remains a home made kite lays in my barren flower bed. This flightless bird was made from bamboo and a disposable party table cloth left over from Dad’s birthday and mended with painters tape.

Today, I’m missing Summer while experiencing the humidity and growing temps.

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