Sunday, April 19, 2020

Day 37 and counting

This morning is warmer, the air more still, the birds louder than I’ve noticed lately. I can hear more vehicles on the roads nearby than usual and they seem to be larger vehicles too. As I compose my thoughts, I hear a few very gentle drops of rain. Its the kind of rain Bob Ross would have described as a happy little rain.

Today is Church Day, which means we will all gather in the living room about 10 till 11 and wait for the live stream on YouTube to begin. Lately, I’ve made banana bread for breakfast on Church Day and everyone eats during the announcements. I’m up a bit late this morning, I hope I still have time to make one, I saw two very rip bananas yesterday.

At first I’m not sure the younger kids were all that interested in YouTube church, but as a new routine has settled in they seem to have accepted it. It was much the same reaction as our formal dinner parties. Last week we ended up not having one and the youngest kids kept asking when we were going to do it.

Has anyone noticed they have more projects and chores since before the pandemic? I don’t mean the obvious chores like cooking and dishes, because for me we always had that. When all this started I had several house projects in my head that we ought to do, and I feel like I have more now. I think its that I’m thinking about it more, where as before if there was a long overdue organization project that needed attention I tended to shove it from my brain, not out of laziness but out of the need to not feel crippling anxiety over the fact that I had zero time or energy (or helpers) to accomplish it. I had to intentionally drag my mind from those thoughts so I could tackle the tasks at hand—like cooking dinner.

Yesterday my project was cleaning my younger boys’ room. I expect I’ll be back at it again today because, I worked on that project, so that I could work on the next project of rearanging and reorganizing their room. Let me tell you, I’m missing the thrift stores right about now, so I can look for cheep shelves and such to give the boys a places to put their things. I’ll come up with something, though.

Have a lovely Church Day. I’ll post the link to our Church service in the comments if anyone wants to “join” us.

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Saturday, April 18, 2020

Day 36 of… who know knows what

The light coming through the clouds and the trees this morning is so cool! Its this cool mix of dark and light but its not that harsh dark and light of late fall afternoons. The contrast is soft somehow.

I forgot to put on socks and my toes are freezing! This of course makes me think of Winnie the Pooh. “How cold my toes (Tiddely pom).” Thinking of Winnie the Pooh makes me think to look up the entire quote of “Tiddely poms,” And looking up the quote reminds me that the song is about it snowing. And thinking about snowing on a spring morning like today makes me very glad that my toes aren’t cold because of it snowing. Though that does remind me that if it was snowing I wouldn’t have forgotten to put on my socks.

And with that I realize I have not much to add but that I couldn’t snap a photo that showed the cool light so I snapped extra and now I can’t decide on only one photo.

Also don’t forget that Phantom of the Opera is free on YouTube (but I’m not sure for how long) with special performances at the end.

Have a lovely day, and keep your toes warm.

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Friday, April 17, 2020

Day 35
Aka- Zoom Day
Aka- Classical Conversations Week 23

Bare with me while I virtually “think outloud.” Except I can’t think outloud without video conferenceing and quite frankly that’s the problem. So, I’m writing out my internal question, “Why do Zoom meetings stress me out?” I don’t mean the “Hey, let’s catch up zooms with one or 2 adults.” Though they aren’t without complications. However, I mean the other kinds where its less social and supposedly more “serious.” There is always technical difficulties, the awkwardness of having a group of people be able to have a window into your house, and finally my kids are quite frankly loose cannons.💣🤯🥵

First the stress comes from all the technicalities of setting up multiple devices so 3 kids can be in three separate zooms; finding power cords that are long enough; plus the fixing sound, video, login, and internet freezing, it feels like I’m flying in the dark. Not to mention the awkwardness of people talking over each other or people getting bumped out and coming back in. Its hard for me to be sure how people are reacting to me when I’m face to face with them, but in video conference its hard to know if anyone even understands each other much less reading their reactions.🤓

Second, it feels incredibly awkward that we are extras in a far more boring but definitely more high def version of Rear Window. I’m instinctively aware of the imminent possibility that people in the house will behave in a “house way” instead of an “in-public way.” You all know exactly what I mean. For example in public, we always wear pants. In public I’m not concerned about how many dirty dishes there are, laundry baskets on the couch, or wherever or whatever the latest kid mess there is. We are more careful to leave family and personal conversations at home, but when the class or business meetings is in our home, its not as instinctive to remember where we are is also somewhere else. 😬

Lastly, my kids are like loose cannons. I’m mostly thinking of my younger kids on zoom meetings. If you live with little kids you know it’s nearly impossible to carry on a phone call without complete chaos breaking out. Its like there are phone call demons that only awake from the an unknown pit during telephone conversations. Now zoom has taken it to a whole new level (or depth) by adding video and multiple houses with little kids. I’m sitting there trying to get everything set up and they trying to stick the camera (thats internal to the device) in there mouth or up there nose. Or they are making the most annoying sounds possible while we are experiencing back feed from a device in another room. Or they begin physical fights over vying for who gets to be center stage–because STAGE is how they look at it! A stage for every kinda of silliness they can imagine. They also think its hilarious to pretend to punch the screen/camera…..or each other. 😒

The purpose of this “writing outloud” isn’t for complaining. Its just my attempt to understand the pitfalls of this newer form of communication we are all relying on. For my (now obvious) introvertedness these zoom meetings are not less tiring than just actually being with other people. I’m very greatful for Zoom and the technology that we have right now to virtually meet. If we didn’t have a way to meet virtually, this whole situation would be much harder. I’m still looking forward to being able to meet people in person again without wondering if their face and audio will freeze, I’ll see someone in there underwear, or my kids will discover some kind of new (and embarrassing) performance art.

Science Project: Egg Protector on Zoom
How many eggs will we break?🥚

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Thursday, April 16, 2020

Day 34

This morning is cool again and I needed to walk, so I babied my right heel and went for it. The peacefulness of the morning seems to be a juxtaposition to the angst on line.

I took extra note of a flower bud this morning. The light was shining through it and it seemed to glow–not that I have the photography skills to share that beauty. The word that came to mind when I snapped the picture was “potential”.

Yesterday was a rough day. The younger kids were not listening or obeying. The schedule has been off because of break. The room we work in was covered from a project to clean out a storage area to make the space usable. There were too many things to do and obstacles in front of them all. Simple tasks were difficult with wild kids. Harder tasks impossible.

It felt like there was no potential only a catch-20. Before yesterday, this “staying home” thing caused me to see lots of potential. There still is potential. And I know in my mind I still believe it. But it was like running. At first you feel good, but after awhile you hit a wall. This week I think we hit a wall because we are missing people, missing freedom, missing an old routine, missing looking forward to summer. We need a second wind.

Today is a “new day with no mistakes in it……no mistakes in it yet.” The Lord’s mercy is new every morning, great is his faithfulness. How greatful am I that it doesn’t depend on my faithfulness or faith but on his grace. “Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling,* and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy..,”

*Side not from yesterday–I just noticed that reference to walking. How can life be like a walk when we don’t walk anywhere?

I want to keep this picture in my mind to remind myself that today has potential no matter the trouble, in fact the trouble itself is an opportunity for potential.

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Wednesday, April 15, 2020

Day 33

This morning was cold. Too cold for sitting on the swing to type. I took a walk instead and prayed my heel won’t hurt later (somethings wrong with it, I don’t know for sure what).
I love walking. I think it may be one reason I liked college was because I basically took a short walk several times a day from one part of campus to another.

I have often thought it interesting how often books have journey stories where people are walking on foot. Where I live almost no one can walk to where they need to go and if we can we usually don’t because there isn’t a good shoulder to the road or a side walk. Yet walking/journey stories still captivate us. I often don’t even question it. Even the Bible makes reference to walking in a spiritual way. Our “walk” is often referred to as the working out of our faith or our relationship with God.

Is walking, not just from room to room, but travel from place to place innate to our being as humans? Have we lost that with the modern transportation?

I don’t know. This is something I’ve thought about before. I feel I am missing something important but I am just never quite sure what it is.

Why are journey stories so important in our imaginations?

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Tuesday, April 14, 2020

Day 32

It’s a cool bright morning. The shadows are long with defined edges. The breeze continues to ruffle the leaves and windchime.

Yesterday was a strange day. Between the pandemic and tornado damage staying home was the course of action for the day. Yet it didn’t seem like it should be. It seem strange to just go about our day at home like we had for days on end while I know people who lost their home or others who will be out of power days and days. But strange is the new norm.

I don’t think we are in Tennessee anymore Toto. Is there a yellow brick road to follow? As a Christian the easy answer is to quote Ps 119: 105 “Your word is a lamp to my feet And a light to my path.” And call it done. That doesn’t really answer the question does it? There is no yellow brick road; there is no path through Mirkwood, that if we just follow it we will get to where we need to be and avoid danger.

I would encourage everyone to take those words to heart and follow God’s words in faith. But there is no easy answer. The rain has washed away the roads, the fog has set in blocking our sight. We do not know how long this will last nor the risks of turning one way or the other or just staying put. We can’t know what will be tomorrow.

The reality that no one wants to face, and a reality that our lives before this seemed designed to make us forget is that we never knew what will be tomorrow. One of the scariest verses in the Bible is some of the most comforting to me.

James 4:13-17 Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.” Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.”

Yes, its harsh reality that we are just a vapor, but when I heard these verses a few years ago, it brought a great deal of comfort because its very easy for me to believe I CAN control things and know what my life will be like tomorrow. Inevitably plans don’t turn out or terrible things happen. I fail and I will fail but my faith and hope aren’t in myself. Ps 119:105 is the answer, but it isn’t a Yellow Brick road. Faith, that’s a horse of a different color. It is the way forward and no one said it wasn’t dangerous. The question is, what is your faith in?

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Monday, April 13, 2020

Day 31

The windchime never fully stops this morning as it rings in the safety of the porch. Beyond the porch however everything is beholden to the wind. The trees bow in submission to each gust and wave. Their leaves shutter and dance precariously at the end of branches that whip with every whim of the wind. The sunshine gleams only at the behest of the wind as it propels the clouds flowing like a river in the sky past the suns eye. The unseen force, both fierceful and beautiful, rules the morning.

Last night violent storms and tornadoes tore through our area. I know one family who lost their house last night. I actually drove last night for the first time in 30 days and I picked quite a night to return to the practice. Thankfully I never saw tornadoes but the rain and visibility were terrible. I had a headache by the time I got home from the tension. That’s the time tornadoes really started hitting I think.

I called my parents this morning and so far I don’t know of any other tragic losses. My brain feels like it can’t quite wrap my mind around today’s troubles. Is there a way to help, can I help? Have I missed any one?

How is everyone today?

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Easter Sunday, April 12, 2020

30 days in social isolation

I sit in the swing waiting for the sunrise that I won’t see, but know happend. The rain steadily drizzles, bringing clouds that block the beauty of the east. Yet, the rain isn’t without merit it creates a fragrance lighter and more pure than any man-made perfume. Each breath I take is saturated with its beauty. It enhances the scent of the flowers without loosing itself. At this moment I feel like it might be the cleanest air I’ve ever breathed. Sometimes the blessings you look for are not the ones you need nor the ones you can see for looking.

“May the LORD bless you and keep you;
may the LORD cause His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you;
may the LORD lift up His countenance toward you and give you peace.”

The rain beats harder, the song bird tries to drown out the rain. The world seems to have stopped, yet its fully awake.

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Saturday, April 11, 2020
The day before Easter

29 days of Shelter-at-home

The afternoon is sunny and is warmer than I expected. I just noticed buds on the Rhododendron. The wind chime occasionally but dutifully dings above it to let me know the air isn’t as still as it seems.

My oldest comes to tell me how far he ran today. The younger kids watch TV. The daughter makes spaghetti and tells me her reaction to the episodes of Fringe she watched. The day feels as though it is nearly started and over at the same time. Eggs and baskets and grilling are in the schedule for the day. I wish others could join us.

Staying home certainly has changed our pace of life. It has given me a chance to reflect and think. I’ve slept better and woken more easily. I’ve eaten more food cooked from scratch, even if it’s not considered healthy, and felt much better because of it. I’ve had more time to cook and play games and watch shows/movies and talk to my family. Obviously this slow down comes with a price (“Magic always comes with a price deary!”) But I’m still incredibly grateful to have a chance to slow down.

We only just moved here at the beginning of the school year. Starting the school year with 5 kids while moving was so incredibly chaotic and draining. It took a toll on grades and lessons and work and finances and relationships and health. It felt as though we were pulled in a 100 ways at once. When 7 people have new and busy demanding cross cross schedules its difficult to organize that activity from home-base, much less when there is no home-base. Home-base is literal and figurative and there was no time to set up either. I completely understand how many people feel their lives are completely up-ended at the moment. Financially, we along with many others, are walking a knife blade wide path at the moment and none of us know if the path leads to refuge or off a cliff. However, in a more real sense—the kind of real you know but can’t touch, the kind of “real” of the Velveteen Rabbit and Pinocchio– our family is more settled than they have been and I hope as we meet the trials to come we don’t loose what has been found in this slower paced life.

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Friday, April 10, 2020

Day 28 -four weeks-

The cold morning air nips at my nose as I settle further into my blanket. The bright sun reaches through the trees but its warmth does not. The wind chime hits the snooze as it seems to try to go back to sleep.

Yesterday felt like a loose ends kind of day. The teens were finishing up Spring Break work. The boys had countless fishing pole string loose. I continued to cycle more laundry through…if I could just remember to switch it as soon as it was finished. The kitchen chores were mostly neglected.

We were able to participate together in Maundy-Thursday with our church via youtube, eat what I have dubbed Cowboy’s Pie while listening to an audio book, and then play board games.

Oddly, this will be the Easter everyone remembers even though it will not be anything like Easter is normally. This staying home and not going anywhere is far closer to what I wish Christmas would be like. There is just too many activities– parties, concerts, programs, —and not enough fellowship and never time or enough energy at Christmas. Usually on Easter we get together with either my family or my in-laws after church for a big lunch and the kids hunt Easter Eggs and play games. So far I’m concerned it will seem like all the other Sundays in isolation and I can’t quite see how to make it seem different. Church will be live streamed, which just isn’t the same as going. We will eat lunch together…and Easter Eggs??

What are you all planning to do for Easter?

The windchime woke up and then rolled over to go back to sleep. My coffee is gone and if it wasn’t it would be ice cold, and my typing fingers are so cold they they are stiff and are beginning to ache. The morning is beautiful but its definitely time to go inside.

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